The Most Transparent President Ever (Just Ask the Chinese Hackers)
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| Image: Collage of Donald Trump wearing "Make America Great Again" caps and using a phone |
A sarcastic take on Ashley Parker and Michael Scherer's Atlantic story about Trump's phone habits
So, here we are, reassured beyond belief that the president of the United States is literally a phone call away. Problem is, so are the Chinese government, Iranian hackers, and pretty much anyone with half-decent cyber skills. But hey—at least he’s easy to reach!
Ashley Parker and Michael Scherer’s piece in The Atlantic tells us Trump’s personal iPhone has turned into something more consequential than the nuclear football. Seriously, forget that old symbol of power. Now, the device that blares the default “Reflection” ringtone during tariff pressers—on the very company that made the phone—is the true heavyweight. The irony? Thick enough to slice through a classified document.
The article drops a bombshell: Chinese hackers might have been eavesdropping on Trump’s calls since before the election. And the president? Totally unbothered. Why sweat foreign spies when world leaders literally call to “kiss my ass,” as Trump once put it so charmingly? National security might come and go, but ego stroking is forever.
Then there’s Trump’s approach to strange phone numbers—he picks up as if he’s playing some game of geopolitical roulette. When The Atlantic called, he asked, “Who’s this?” Could be Xi Jinping, could be a telemarketer, maybe someone trying to sell him an extended car warranty. The suspense seems to outweigh any concerns about leaking state secrets.
Trump’s team? They tried to rein him in, sort of. John Kelly once confiscated the phone and kept it “in a padded box outside” the Oval Office. But Trump just shrugged off warnings with, “It’s not true,” and “My phone is the best on the market.” Because, of course, nothing screams “cutting-edge security” like a device apparently open to foreign bugging at will.
That said, Trump’s phone antics have their moments of unexpected sweetness. The story shares a bit about him calling Scott Adams—the Dilbert creator—after his cancer diagnosis. Adams described the call as “a semi-lengthy little voicemail.” Apparently, Trump likes leaving messages people can replay for their loved ones—a unique kind of keepsake, especially with unknown entities probably listening in.
The White House’s official line? Communications Director Steven Cheung dashed any doubts about security, saying the president’s phone obsession just proves he’s “the most transparent and accessible President in American history.” Well, he’s definitely transparent to Chinese intelligence agencies. Mission accomplished, I guess?
Possibly the strangest part: Trump doesn’t trust the White House switchboard, convinced “nearly everyone” there is part of some “deep state” conspiracy. So instead, he sticks with a personal phone that's about as secure as shouting secrets in Tiananmen Square. Brilliant logic: avoid the imaginary inner government cabal by handing over your calls to real foreign spies.
Cybersecurity pros called this “terribly dangerous,” warning about interception, impersonation, and unpreparedness for key conversations. But hey, why let national security stuff ruin the joy of answering unknown numbers? One aide said Trump “doesn’t even know which country” is calling. He just thinks, “This might be a foreign leader I want to talk to.” Basically, international relations meets blind dating.
So here we sit, with a president whose private phone is basically a party line for hackers, and a staff that’s given up trying to lock it down. But at least we all know one thing: when he’s on the line, the Chinese definitely are, too.
This is a riff on "The Secret History of Trump's Private Cellphone" by Ashley Parker and Michael Scherer, from The Atlantic, June 2, 2025. Quotes and facts all owe to their fantastic reporting.
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